Here I Go Again........

Yes, the sweet little friend has suffered the blow again...... Only this time I've been shattered like never before. It felt like I was getting transformed to a whole new person - the kind of person I should have well been after seeing what is there, saying what I feel, doing what is right, meaning each word spoken and being what I am from time long ago. But everybody loves the sweet person I am, and as for me who doesn't like to be adored. Now, it seems like it's just too unbearable for me to hide, to keep all those things in the back of my head that seem to disturb my peace of mind anymore. It seems like hope cannot be restored doesn't matter what I do to mend things because it has invariably been the very same story for all my life. And so, to believe that the world is a better place than what is apparent is not an easy thing to do. But I am ready to climb down the stairs to be unharmed, unhurt, unbroken and unchanged!!

...... And There Were Tears In Her Eyes!

She wept bitterly all day in college. What we thought was that she was over too embarrassed at being scolded by the Head of the Department, but it was merely the jolt that broke Pallabi down and she couldn't stop crying. It was because it was too much for her heart to bear the pain, it was too much for her mind to evaluate - why, why in the world should her own sister not try to understand!!!

She mentioned she was "misunderstood", but I know what it is..... People are all but a part of the rat race today, they don't have time to look, to listen and to understand. Whether a mother, a father, a sister they have love, they have support, they have gifts, everything but understanding for us. They don't care to consider, they simply don't know what we go through, what are our thoughts all about even if it is what was thought of was for their well-being...

Had it been a few years back and I would have been "misunderstood", I would cry, cry and cry and hope -"So what they did not hear me out yet, now they would. So what, they took my flat words the other way round, now they would care to understand my tears." But no! Experience has taught me, they presume and they leave it that way, their minds seem so full.. It's so odd to believe at that instant that these are the people you love, you can't imagine life without them.. But they are undoubtedly the ones who would be right beside me through thick and thin and my friends might not. But my friends are ones who understand me, maybe because they are in my shoes as I am in theirs. Yet, that's no reason why my family should not have space for understanding me.

The metros are so crowded in the morning hours that it loses the sophistication of the country's only underground commutation. But my parents, don't even know about it, although their own daughter travels by it every single day. Hence, they don't understand why I am so tired each day that I sleep an extra-hour in the morning than they do. Instead they refer to me as good-for-nothing, lazy, callous and whatever else their vocabulary can provide. This is the everyday example of "misunderstanding" that I produced and of course, there are some special cases that make my heart ache even to be reminded of.

Alas! What the hell can I do about it?? And I resolve, I don't want to be what they are to me in such circumstances. I'd stop, I'd wait, I'd hear them out, I'd consider, I'd understand them until I have their tears.. I'd think twice, thrice, as many times as possible before I presume... I'd put myself in their shoes, before I'm mad at them.. All because I know how much it hurts not to be cared to be understood by someone so loved and so close to one's heart. I'd defy what it means to be in a family!

The Quest

Yesterday, as I watched the last part of the movie Spiderman 3 and watched Harry Osborn die with his beloved friends Mary Jane Watson and Peter Parker by his side, I wondered... Is it really possible to have such true friends???
I was told, according to some theory in Psychology texts, "friend" is a hypothetical term. It is the family that matters and is there by you in dire need. When I had heard this I remember I protested, rather viciously, "I don't agree, I am sure I'd help my friends in need and that they should do the same!" It was my final year in high school, and I was so happy with life. I didn't have any problems, any trouble, any sorrow to be shared but fun was what I was all about.... And of course, my friends were there by me always.... And, I believed Psychology texts could be wrong.

Not that I hadn't been jinxed in friendship matters before. I remember, it was 8th grade and I had a fight with Devanyita, my friend since the 3rd grade. At times in our period of friendship I'd give her the best friend crown, after all, she was my only company I could discuss Hollywood movies and international music with. She regretted the episode, wept for forgiveness and yet I couldn't forgive her, simply because I never found my self-respect being hurt that badly. It was months I didn't speak to her (nobody had ever imagined I could stay angry on her for so long). We made up (thanks to Sharda Ma'am), but things weren't the same between us then and even now. I couldn't believe this was how far I've gone from her, other people wouldn't notice, but I knew, I understood. A lesson I had learnt from the movie Harriet The Spy. It was one of the very first movies about life and emotions that I fell in love with.
In the movie, Harriet is an 11-year-old. Her best friends were Janie and Sport. Her nurse, Golly had taught her to investigate about things around her and write them down in a notebook. So, Harriet would go everywhere around her neighbourhood, spy around that is and write about them. And she'd carry the notebook tagged "PRIVATE" everywhere she went. Once, while she was playing with her friends after school, her notebbook was discovered by Marion, the class bully. She read everything in the notebook aloud to her classmates while Harriet was away searching for her notebook. Obviously, everybody without exception didn't like the fact that their lives and lifestyle was written about in the notebook without their knowledge and with that was added Harriet's perception making it completely unacceptable for every one of her friends including Janie and Sport. She tried to convince, persuade her "best friends" but they were not ready to listen even. Loss of her two best friends wasn't enough, Harriet had to confront being harassed and humiliated by everybody in class at every single opportunity they got. Then it was more than she could bear, and she decided to avenge it all even against Janie and Sport. When she had finally taken her revenge, her friends wouldn't dare to hurt her any more but they started complaining against her to her parents.. Life was worse than one could ever imagine. It was then, Golly returned and explained to Harriet that things wouldn't simply come back in order all by themselves. She needed to apologise and lie to get out of this. And so she did, and was forgiven......... But things weren't the same! She learnt that it could never be.. So what she didn't have any friend any more, she was a spy and she loved being that.
What I learnt from the movie is that, there will be things in life I'd regret doing but I should forgive myself for that and continue being what I am all about.

I had forgotten about the bitter episode with Devanyita when I stepped into High School. Because then I didn't need to look back. I made some rocking friends, friends I could share everything but Hollywood movies and international music with though. I was so happy, I had so many friends and life was fun!! And I protested when people said there's no such thing as a "friend".....

Now, I don't, because now I've got the taste of reality. Life's not all about fun and your treasured friends aren't quite there for you when it's not fun to do so. So what I've been there for them when they needed me, things don't work that way for them. Even today, I let hope infect me at times, and I rush to them when they cry out. Having shown closed doors doesn't teach me much of a lesson, because I've always believed in friendship and life adorned by it.
I love the movie Dor. Although, the tag-line of the movie is "How far can you travel for someone you love", I could see hues of friendship reflected throughout the movie. Never did I feel as overwhelmed having watched a movie as this. The movie seemed to personify the power of friendship. The way Meera realised the importance of her existence, the way she rediscovered herself, the way she realised that she needed to respect her needs and reach out to fulfill them, the way she realised she should have her say, the way she realised she could decide for herself all out of her friendship with Zeenat, made me feel true friendship exists or not, there is some sort of a power in it. Like the power that made me argue when they said that there is no such thing as a "friend".

Now, having completed a year in college, I think I still am in a transition phase. I truly am in a transition phase. I know I'd find great friends, I'd get overwhelmed in their company, spend some wonderful time together, trust them with everything I have yet again! As I say this, I have every idea that what you perceive friendship with someone to be is completely what you feel, it may or may not be mutual. As long as I believe in it with all the truth and honesty, I'll be enriched by it. Can I ask for more?? It really isn't practical to do so. But honestly, I hope for more, I long for more...

In a movie I recently saw named Aquamarine, there were two best friends, Hailey and Claire. They find a mermaid, Aquamarine in a swimming pool and befriend her. Aquamarine had run away from her community in the ocean to seek love amongst mankind, because love doesn't exist in her community and she has to prove to her father that it does exist in the world. She asks Hailey and Claire to help her seek love. They agree in greed of the fact that people get a wish when they help a mermaid. But having adventurously done it all, Aquamarine finds her romantic interest refusing to commit to her, but Hailey and Claire diving to her rescue (literally) and proving love exists in mankind. And they love her as a friend, although she never cared about them and was only interested about her romance with Raymond that she believed could prove her father wrong. But eventually, it was her friendship with Hailey and Claire that proved her right. And it clearly had nothing to do with herself, but the fact that Hailey and Claire thoroughly enjoyed the adventure she brought to their lives and they loved her for that, so what it wasn't the other way round until then and moreover, there was nothing they could wish for from her but to keep her back. Aquamarine would never forget what the two girls had done for her and that her "love" couldn't do the same for her.
Now, this movie made me realise there is the other side of the coin, in all the attributes. As in -
Love and Friendship, and
I am there for you and You are there for me(????).

I simply don't know. As for me the quest continues.........