Here I Go Again........

Yes, the sweet little friend has suffered the blow again...... Only this time I've been shattered like never before. It felt like I was getting transformed to a whole new person - the kind of person I should have well been after seeing what is there, saying what I feel, doing what is right, meaning each word spoken and being what I am from time long ago. But everybody loves the sweet person I am, and as for me who doesn't like to be adored. Now, it seems like it's just too unbearable for me to hide, to keep all those things in the back of my head that seem to disturb my peace of mind anymore. It seems like hope cannot be restored doesn't matter what I do to mend things because it has invariably been the very same story for all my life. And so, to believe that the world is a better place than what is apparent is not an easy thing to do. But I am ready to climb down the stairs to be unharmed, unhurt, unbroken and unchanged!!

...... And There Were Tears In Her Eyes!

She wept bitterly all day in college. What we thought was that she was over too embarrassed at being scolded by the Head of the Department, but it was merely the jolt that broke Pallabi down and she couldn't stop crying. It was because it was too much for her heart to bear the pain, it was too much for her mind to evaluate - why, why in the world should her own sister not try to understand!!!

She mentioned she was "misunderstood", but I know what it is..... People are all but a part of the rat race today, they don't have time to look, to listen and to understand. Whether a mother, a father, a sister they have love, they have support, they have gifts, everything but understanding for us. They don't care to consider, they simply don't know what we go through, what are our thoughts all about even if it is what was thought of was for their well-being...

Had it been a few years back and I would have been "misunderstood", I would cry, cry and cry and hope -"So what they did not hear me out yet, now they would. So what, they took my flat words the other way round, now they would care to understand my tears." But no! Experience has taught me, they presume and they leave it that way, their minds seem so full.. It's so odd to believe at that instant that these are the people you love, you can't imagine life without them.. But they are undoubtedly the ones who would be right beside me through thick and thin and my friends might not. But my friends are ones who understand me, maybe because they are in my shoes as I am in theirs. Yet, that's no reason why my family should not have space for understanding me.

The metros are so crowded in the morning hours that it loses the sophistication of the country's only underground commutation. But my parents, don't even know about it, although their own daughter travels by it every single day. Hence, they don't understand why I am so tired each day that I sleep an extra-hour in the morning than they do. Instead they refer to me as good-for-nothing, lazy, callous and whatever else their vocabulary can provide. This is the everyday example of "misunderstanding" that I produced and of course, there are some special cases that make my heart ache even to be reminded of.

Alas! What the hell can I do about it?? And I resolve, I don't want to be what they are to me in such circumstances. I'd stop, I'd wait, I'd hear them out, I'd consider, I'd understand them until I have their tears.. I'd think twice, thrice, as many times as possible before I presume... I'd put myself in their shoes, before I'm mad at them.. All because I know how much it hurts not to be cared to be understood by someone so loved and so close to one's heart. I'd defy what it means to be in a family!

The Quest

Yesterday, as I watched the last part of the movie Spiderman 3 and watched Harry Osborn die with his beloved friends Mary Jane Watson and Peter Parker by his side, I wondered... Is it really possible to have such true friends???
I was told, according to some theory in Psychology texts, "friend" is a hypothetical term. It is the family that matters and is there by you in dire need. When I had heard this I remember I protested, rather viciously, "I don't agree, I am sure I'd help my friends in need and that they should do the same!" It was my final year in high school, and I was so happy with life. I didn't have any problems, any trouble, any sorrow to be shared but fun was what I was all about.... And of course, my friends were there by me always.... And, I believed Psychology texts could be wrong.

Not that I hadn't been jinxed in friendship matters before. I remember, it was 8th grade and I had a fight with Devanyita, my friend since the 3rd grade. At times in our period of friendship I'd give her the best friend crown, after all, she was my only company I could discuss Hollywood movies and international music with. She regretted the episode, wept for forgiveness and yet I couldn't forgive her, simply because I never found my self-respect being hurt that badly. It was months I didn't speak to her (nobody had ever imagined I could stay angry on her for so long). We made up (thanks to Sharda Ma'am), but things weren't the same between us then and even now. I couldn't believe this was how far I've gone from her, other people wouldn't notice, but I knew, I understood. A lesson I had learnt from the movie Harriet The Spy. It was one of the very first movies about life and emotions that I fell in love with.
In the movie, Harriet is an 11-year-old. Her best friends were Janie and Sport. Her nurse, Golly had taught her to investigate about things around her and write them down in a notebook. So, Harriet would go everywhere around her neighbourhood, spy around that is and write about them. And she'd carry the notebook tagged "PRIVATE" everywhere she went. Once, while she was playing with her friends after school, her notebbook was discovered by Marion, the class bully. She read everything in the notebook aloud to her classmates while Harriet was away searching for her notebook. Obviously, everybody without exception didn't like the fact that their lives and lifestyle was written about in the notebook without their knowledge and with that was added Harriet's perception making it completely unacceptable for every one of her friends including Janie and Sport. She tried to convince, persuade her "best friends" but they were not ready to listen even. Loss of her two best friends wasn't enough, Harriet had to confront being harassed and humiliated by everybody in class at every single opportunity they got. Then it was more than she could bear, and she decided to avenge it all even against Janie and Sport. When she had finally taken her revenge, her friends wouldn't dare to hurt her any more but they started complaining against her to her parents.. Life was worse than one could ever imagine. It was then, Golly returned and explained to Harriet that things wouldn't simply come back in order all by themselves. She needed to apologise and lie to get out of this. And so she did, and was forgiven......... But things weren't the same! She learnt that it could never be.. So what she didn't have any friend any more, she was a spy and she loved being that.
What I learnt from the movie is that, there will be things in life I'd regret doing but I should forgive myself for that and continue being what I am all about.

I had forgotten about the bitter episode with Devanyita when I stepped into High School. Because then I didn't need to look back. I made some rocking friends, friends I could share everything but Hollywood movies and international music with though. I was so happy, I had so many friends and life was fun!! And I protested when people said there's no such thing as a "friend".....

Now, I don't, because now I've got the taste of reality. Life's not all about fun and your treasured friends aren't quite there for you when it's not fun to do so. So what I've been there for them when they needed me, things don't work that way for them. Even today, I let hope infect me at times, and I rush to them when they cry out. Having shown closed doors doesn't teach me much of a lesson, because I've always believed in friendship and life adorned by it.
I love the movie Dor. Although, the tag-line of the movie is "How far can you travel for someone you love", I could see hues of friendship reflected throughout the movie. Never did I feel as overwhelmed having watched a movie as this. The movie seemed to personify the power of friendship. The way Meera realised the importance of her existence, the way she rediscovered herself, the way she realised that she needed to respect her needs and reach out to fulfill them, the way she realised she should have her say, the way she realised she could decide for herself all out of her friendship with Zeenat, made me feel true friendship exists or not, there is some sort of a power in it. Like the power that made me argue when they said that there is no such thing as a "friend".

Now, having completed a year in college, I think I still am in a transition phase. I truly am in a transition phase. I know I'd find great friends, I'd get overwhelmed in their company, spend some wonderful time together, trust them with everything I have yet again! As I say this, I have every idea that what you perceive friendship with someone to be is completely what you feel, it may or may not be mutual. As long as I believe in it with all the truth and honesty, I'll be enriched by it. Can I ask for more?? It really isn't practical to do so. But honestly, I hope for more, I long for more...

In a movie I recently saw named Aquamarine, there were two best friends, Hailey and Claire. They find a mermaid, Aquamarine in a swimming pool and befriend her. Aquamarine had run away from her community in the ocean to seek love amongst mankind, because love doesn't exist in her community and she has to prove to her father that it does exist in the world. She asks Hailey and Claire to help her seek love. They agree in greed of the fact that people get a wish when they help a mermaid. But having adventurously done it all, Aquamarine finds her romantic interest refusing to commit to her, but Hailey and Claire diving to her rescue (literally) and proving love exists in mankind. And they love her as a friend, although she never cared about them and was only interested about her romance with Raymond that she believed could prove her father wrong. But eventually, it was her friendship with Hailey and Claire that proved her right. And it clearly had nothing to do with herself, but the fact that Hailey and Claire thoroughly enjoyed the adventure she brought to their lives and they loved her for that, so what it wasn't the other way round until then and moreover, there was nothing they could wish for from her but to keep her back. Aquamarine would never forget what the two girls had done for her and that her "love" couldn't do the same for her.
Now, this movie made me realise there is the other side of the coin, in all the attributes. As in -
Love and Friendship, and
I am there for you and You are there for me(????).

I simply don't know. As for me the quest continues.........

Sting

I got stung by a bee yesterday, i.e, barely 48 hours prior to the commencement of my Part-1 examinations. Although it pained awfully throughout yesterday, it's more of an excitement that I feel about the episode! After having spent years wondering how painful it must be to be stung by a bee, experiencing it myself almost feels like a dream come true........ Just like the first hospitalization, that happened just about more than a year back, this fells incredibly incredible!

There's another aspect to it though! Ever since I have been in college, something about my health has to has to go wrong before an examination. Before my first unit test I got a viral fever, god knows how! Before the selection test I suffered this intense gastric irritation problem. And now i got stung by a bee.....

Stepping into the World of Missed Calls

Well, till 27.03.2008, 7.00pm I was this 'lavish owner of a post paid cell phone'. Whenever I needed (or even not needed) I’d pick up my cell phone and call whoever I wanted, for as long as I wanted. No warnings, whatsoever, would come my way throughout the month. If the bill, in any case, showed an outrageous amount, only then my father would shout at me. But it was a matter of 10 minutes in one whole month. So I cared the least!!!!!

The beginning of the entry shows that I am no longer a 'lavish owner of a post paid cell phone'.

The headline shows that I am still an owner of a cell phone.

So what is that has changed?????

Am I not lavish anymore? The question actually is – Do I afford to be lavish anymore??

No… No….. No….. L

Now I am an owner (just an owner) of a prepaid cell phone.

What went wrong??..... My sister’s mobile bill for the month of February (a staggering Rs.1972.85).

Why MY cell phone connection had to be made prepaid??.....

“Unfair!” it really was……..

So, the story goes like this …… my sister got this bill amount of Rs.1972.85 for the month of February. Hence, my father decided that both of us (??????) would be given prepaid connections as soon as possible and there it is!!!!!!!!!!!!

There’s a bigger tragedy……. We had to undergo a 72 hour cell phone connection black-out.

"Impossible!" as it was for me.

I had bought this spare prepaid SIM sometime back (another long story), which I decided to use during this period of time. So I gave no second thoughts and recharged the SIM for a month long validity with Rs.99 and won talk-time worth Rs. 10!!!

"Cool!" as it seemed, but it was not!

And it's then *drum roll* that I started giving missed calls to everyone in my list of contacts.

Why missed. calls??... Did I afford anything more than that, with just Rs.10 to spare (for a payment of Rs.99)?? After all how much could I pay for just 3days?????

So, i started giving missed calls! (I'd would have sent SMSes had it been a new post paid connection). The beginning of it was like fun and I thought I knew what made Pupul demand, "Why don't you give missed calls?" (And there, I go recalling, I, the lavish owner of a post paid cell phone, would reply to her, "I'd rather call you up!")

Amasikha, Mahi, Arka called me back after having received the missed calls and we chatted.

"Really cool!" as I thought it to be , but not for long!

The very first uncool thing happened....... Ankita "caught" my missed call and there, my balance was down to Rs.8.01.

Next Ritika caught my missed call, followed by Arkopravo and whoa, my balance fell to Rs.4.03! I was like really mad at all three of them... I kept muttering, " what do they do? live, sleep, eat with their cell phones in their hands or what????? 1 ring and damn, they catch it?????"..... I was playing the missed call game with Aditya, it was then that I called him up, sorry, missed-called him up and I heard a voice say "Your call is being connected, you account balance is low, so please get it recharged." !!!!!!

"Hell!" as it really really is.

I paid Rs.99 for 3days instead of a month and there were only 3 mistakes on the first day and I had to be given warnings and that also by a computer: something that has no life, but the audacity to tell me that Rs.99 is not enough a payment to survive having fun with the cellphone connectivity for 3days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Within 6hours I had this sinking feeling that should not have spent Rs.100(almost) for 3days of cell phone connectivity (and now, outgoing disability, thanks to Ankita, Ritika and Arko). What more????? Most of my friends don't even know what number am I using now! Because, I had just given missed calls to everybody and only a few cared to call back and ask, "who's this?". Today, I had to travel across the hall to the landline phone to make a few phone calls I required to, instead of picking up my cell phone and just dialling and calling up the number I required to....

The Realization

I am now a 'poor owner of a prepaid cell phone'. :( All this makes me wonder,"Did I deserve all this at all? It was my sister's fault!!!!!!"

But yes, I deserved it!!!! True, if it hadn't been for my sister, I wouldn't have had to see this day. But I truly needed to mature and understand the value of money. I spent Rs.99, i.e, Rs.100 (almost) and got a talk-time of Rs.10, which is 10% of the money I spent (almost). So, the first-hand value Rs.100, that I spent, was only 10% of it!! Oh Economics! I am so ignorant about you! I am completely thriftless and I should learn to value the money I get and use and spend it judiciously.

Hopefully, I will not repeat these mistakes and misjudgements in future. (Usually, I am known for repeating my mistakes time and again and saying, "Ok! Ok! It was my mistake, I'm sorry" and then I turn away, not hearing what my mother or anybody else has to say after that.)

This was quite an ideal lesson learnt. Because nobody else was involved and hence, could be held (even partially) responsible for the mistakes and misjudgements. Nobody made me realize I was wrong and over too impatient to withstand the black-out, unlike my sister who went through the punishment gracefully.

Ok! So, there's this balance. She deserved to be punished, so she was punished and she gracefully accepted the punishment. I didn't deserve to be punished and so, I was forced to fall prey to prejudice and melodramatic thoughts and falter and hence, deserve it all..........

Awww! I lost my chance to say to my father that he had been unfair with me!!! Now all this absolutely makes sense and is definitely fair........

So, let's look forward to what my future in prepaid cell phone connection has in store for me and whether I can become a 'judicious owner of a prepaid cell phone'...............................