She left. After months of preparation and tonnes of anticipation ( not to mention, also a bit of apprehension ), it was finally the day when she had to set out to a state directly across the nation from our home. And home will never be the same again without her. I miss her. I want her back.
1st August, 2009 was the day she left Kolkata and it was the first day I was cursing dreams, I was cursing ambitions, I was cursing higher education.
She is my sister and she's a year and 4months younger than I am, which means I spent all my memorable life with her by my side. Days were adventurous because she was with me or I would be sharing it all with her when I was back home. And so I did not want to come back home that night. I wanted to go far away, I wanted to wake up without any memory.
I guess I wanted to escape from the city when I graduated from high school, and she on the other hand had no such fancies. So I could have been the one leaving the city first and she could have been the one facing all the trauma, only if I would have been more competent.
I have hated every single thing about growing up. I have hated my foray into adulthood. And now I have already surpassed the ultimate facade of the whole growing up thing. I have parted from my sibling. And I was such a mess in doing so. I lost my voice, I lost my mind and she was trying, saying and doing it all, and I was only a spectator. She hugged me, kissed me on my cheek, she said "Take care!", and I acted so blank. While I was home with her, while I was in the car, I felt I was doing so well avoiding tears and lump in my throat. But later I realized, it was because she was still there beside me. As I stepped inside the compartment of the train that was all set to take her away from home, away from me, at 8.15pm, I broke down. I saw her going away from me, far away from me. I saw that she wouldn't be home like she has always been, she wouldn't be making fun of me, she wouldn't be irritating me, she wouldn't be fighting with me over every single thing we had to share, she wouldn't vex me to buy her this and that, she wouldn't talk to me of her lame and sick adventures, she wouldn't be watching all the reality shows on TV, she wouldn't wait for me to come upstairs first because she's afraid of the dark, she wouldn't be there back at home when I get back that day and for many many more days. And I'll no longer be the only one in the house who could discipline her (you know, how parents are to their younger kids). And she wouldn't need any such treatment from me no matter how often she comes back from her college. She'll be back with more experiences and stories than I've ever had. She'll come back with more street-smartness than I could have ever induced in her. Moreover, home will not be the same place.
As I walked away from the station, I looked at the bridge, the pavement, the taxis, the ghat - all these things had always brought the essence of being back home from far away to me before that day. That day it became the place that took away my sister, my childhood, my partner in crime, my best friend, my confidante, my room-partner, my constant companion through thick and thin for all my life away from me.4 days later when my parents will return having delivered, settled and established her in her hostel, I don't know how to not look for her with them at the door. I don't know how to be without a sister for about 2months and sometimes more. I don't know why growing up has to include such episodes. I don't know whether we'll all be together again for as long as we have been. I don't know how to move on.... All I know is I could pray for a miracle, a new day, a rewind, anything that would bring her home......
